Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
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Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
When someone says you are so lazy
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough