Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
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Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
✌🏽
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I just tested negative for patience.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly