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Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.