“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
You Might Also Like
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.