I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
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My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
O Wise One….
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”