This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
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I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I bet
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.