[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
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“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
🤣😂
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers