*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
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Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
good morning
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO