Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
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Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Blew out my flip flop…
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.