“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
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Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.