Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
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If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*