Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
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“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
sir, my pâté if you please
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.