You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
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Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
It has been 3 years since Monday.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.