Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
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doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”