drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
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stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..