things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
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A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
58.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.