Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
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If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.