Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
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You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
What an awful time to have common sense.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”