“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
You Might Also Like
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song