Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
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I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know