What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
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[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
why am I working on Labor Day
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Every work meeting this week
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
This is enough internet for the day.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?