Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
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(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
estão todos miauvindo?
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive