Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
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Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!