So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
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If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”