[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
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*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.