Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
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Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing