ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
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It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Happy Taco Tuesday
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?