I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
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[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I’m not wrong
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…