Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
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Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
The government even made aliens boring
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex