Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
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“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.