My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
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Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months