the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
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“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Danger is very dangerous
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.