Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
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I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
#Caturday
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.