Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
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[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
The Punning Dead.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec