I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
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I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.