Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
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That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Stick it to the man
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Those are good neighbors.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.