ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
You Might Also Like
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Schrödinger’s cookie
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.