I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
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I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.