My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
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Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?