On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
You Might Also Like
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
unbelievably distressed by this ad
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.