WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
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[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.