I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
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Thou shalt not commit adulthood
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I already tried new things thanks.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.