adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
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If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them