My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
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The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Buck naked
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought