Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
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I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I used to be married, but I’m better now
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!