What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
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My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.