[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
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Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Guys, I found it.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.