I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
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People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
WHY?!
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.