“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
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I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
me working on my assignments ^-^
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I know this now 😂
stop
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary