Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
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I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy